My body is a butthole
This is the story of how I learned that my body is a butthole.
I was something of a chunky child, not hugely so, but definitely “big boned”. And, like many middle children, my older sibling was a golden child, lithe and sunny and smart. I was middling in many things, being middle and all – not too smart but not dim, not slender but no blimp, not extraordinarily unhappy but no paragon of bliss, either. Rather neurotic but not crazy. The only thing I was really good at was reading.
One day when I was about eight, I was sitting in my grandmother’s comfortable living room, on the built-in padded bench or couchlike dealie with my back to the window and the sunny summer morning, facing the never-used fireplace. A hot day so I was wearing shorts.
While sitting there thinking about who knows what, I crossed my left ankle over my right knee. At that moment, while gazing at my plump knee area, I couldn’t help thinking how that looked compared to my older sister’s slim varnished purity and grace. All white and spotty and chubby and gross. That was one gross knee.
As I gazed, the fatty flesh began to remind me of an ass, the crease between thigh and calf looking like a miniature asscrack. Bemused, I took my thumb and forefinger and spread apart that crease.
OMG, I thought, back in the days before acronyms, that looks exactly like a butthole! Repulsed and fascinated, again and again I pulled apart those fleshy regions, becoming more and more convinced the inside of my knee was the exact replica of a butthole. It was hypnotic and horrible. I was hypnotized by my own false ass.
From that day forth I knew exactly how gross my body could be, and have lived all my days with the burden of being a walking butthole. Oh well, says he, could be worse, at least I can’t do that with my face.
Your loving butthole,
LWIII
Oh .. Mr.Tom.. that was so funny.. You have a gift for the absurd. thanks for the early morning amusement.
peas and luv. jeanne
Thanks Jeanne! Hope this one doesn’t make me seem like a wretched mammothrept. I woke up wondering about the politesse and diplomacy of this early-morning remembrance. Maybe it was because I was being abused by a gang of mean thugs and arsonists in my dreams when I woke up. Or maybe it’s because I came to my senses in the daylight.
The fact that you laughed instead of barfed gives me hope. Thanks again! Whew.
I just now had the time to catch up on your blog. This is too funny and so well written that i can see young Tom peering at his faux butt in both awe and disgust. My favorite line is: “OMG, I thought, back in the days before acronyms.” Lol! Can’t wait to read the next one!
PoeticLotion
Thanks Laurie, glad you enjoyed it! Sad to say there probably won’t be anymore butthole posts, but(t) I’ll see what I can come up with…or whoever does the writing, as you know as a writer yourself, http://www.laurieharley.com/ ,a lot of time it’s not me.
hah hah.. have you ever scrunched up with both hands the flesh around your belly button?? Just try it, if you dare!
Well, the flesh around my belly button is way to ripped to even move, so most likely nothing will happen, but I’ll try it and see what comes to mind. Superman, maybe?
…man good think I’m a fiction writer.
That is too funny. You kinda write like Dave Barry. You should do a weekly column. BTW what is a mammothrept? I thing its a good think too.
Ha, thanks Inge. I would love to write like Dave Barry, that guy cracks me up, majorly. A mammothrept is a grandmama’s boy. And you are going into the extracto now, fyi,to join the rest of the Immortals! (I thing it’s a good think.) Should be up by later today if you want to check: http://www.tomhowe.org/extracto-literarium.php