Perfection alert! Perfection alert! Tweet tweet tweet!

I’m about to paste in a long passage of the most delightful prose to come down the pike in many a century, by my lights. From the book Master and Commander by Patrick O’Brian, the first in a series of British naval adventures during the Napoleonic wars.

His two main characters, the friends Jack Aubrey and Stephen Maturin, are da bomb. Jack is the ship’s captain and Stephen the ship’s surgeon (also an actual physican, rare in those days onboard ship, as well as a spy and natural philosopher – could there be a more perfect character?)

Despite the perfection of the following, it totally sucks compared to what O’Brian pumps out in the later books, when he really gets rolling.

We are in Minorca – Port Mahon, in the Med., as I recall:

‘Dr Maturin, I am so glad you were able to come,’ cried Mrs Harte, turning towards the door. ‘I have a very learned lady to introduce you to.’

‘Indeed, ma’am? I rejoice to hear it. Pray what is she learned in?’

‘Oh, in everything,’ said Mrs Harte cheerfully; and this, indeed, seemed to be Laetitia’s opinion too, for she at once gave Stephen her views on the treatment of cancer and on the conduct of the Allies – prayer, love and Evangelism was the answer, in both cases. She was an odd, doll-like little creature with a wooden face, both shy and extremely self-satisfied, rather alarmingly young; she spoke slowly, with an odd writhing motion of her upper body, staring at her interlocutor’s stomach or elbow, so her exposition took some time. Her husband was a tall, moist-eyed, damp-handed man, with a meek, Evangelical expression, and knock-knees: had it not been for those knees he would have looked exactly like a butler. ‘If that man lives,’ reflected Stephen, as Laetitia prattled on about Plato, ‘he will become a miser: but it is more likely that he will hang himself. Costive; piles; flat feet.’

They sat down ten to dinner, and Stephen found that Mrs Ellis was his left-hand neighbour. On his right there was a Miss Wade, a plain, good-natured girl with a splendid appetite, unhampered by a humid ninety degrees or the calls of fashion; then came Jack, then Mrs Harte, and on her right Colonel Pitt. Stephen was engaged in a close discussion of the comparative merits of the crayfish and the true lobster with Miss Wade when the insistent voice on his left broke in so strongly that soon it was impossible to ignore it. ‘But I don’t understand – you are a real physician, he tells me, so how come you to be in the Navy? How come you to be in the Navy if you are a real doctor?’

‘Indigence, ma’am, indigence. For all that clysters is not gold, on shore. And then, of course, a fervid desire to bleed for my country.’

‘The gentleman is joking, my love,’ said her husband across the table. ‘With all these prizes he is a very warm man, as we say in the City’ – nodding and smiling archly. ‘Oh,’ cried Laetitia, startled. ‘He is a wit. I must take care of him, I declare. But still, you have to look after the common sailors too, Dr Maturin, not only the midshipmen and officers: that must be very horrid.’

‘Why, ma’am,’ said Stephen, looking at her curiously: for so small and Evangelical a woman she had drunk a remarkable quantity of wine and her face was coming out in blotches. ‘Why, ma’am, I cut ‘em off pretty short, I assure you. Oil of cat is my usual dose.’

‘Quite right,’ said Colonel Pitt, speaking for the first time. ‘I allow no complaints in my regiment.’

‘Dr Maturin is admirably strict,’ said Jack. ‘He often desires me to have the men flogged, to overcome their torpor and to open their veins both at the same time. A hundred lashes at the gangway is worth a stone of brimstone and treacle, we always say.’

‘There’s discipline,’ said Mr Ellis, nodding his head. Stephen felt the odd bareness on his knee that meant his napkin had glided to the floor; he dived after it, and in the hooded tent below he beheld four and twenty legs, six belonging to the table and eighteen to his temporary messmates. Miss Wade had kicked off her shoes: the woman opposite him had dropped a little screwed-up handkerchief: Colonel Pitt’s gleaming military boot lay pressed upon Mrs Harte’s right foot, and upon her left – quite a distance from the right – reposed Jack’s scarcely less massive buckled shoe. Course followed course, indifferent Minorcan food cooked in English water, indifferent wine doctored with Minorcan verjuice; and at one point Stephen heard his neighbour say, ‘I hear you have a very high moral tone in your ship.’ But in time Mrs Harte rose and walked, limping slightly, into the drawing-room: the men gathered at the top end of the table, and the muddy port went round and round and round.

………………………………………(a page or two later)

‘I am sorry to have let you in for that,’ he said, taking Stephen’s arm and guiding him down Pigtail Stairs, where the green lizards darted along the torrid wall. ‘I had no notion Molly Harte was capable of giving such a wretched dinner – cannot think what has come over her. Did you remark that soldier?’

‘The one in scarlet and gold, with boots?’

‘Yes. Now he was a perfect example of what I was saying, that the army is divided into two sorts – the one as kind and gentle as ever you could wish, just like my dear old uncle, and the other heavy, lumpish brutes like that fellow. Quite unlike the Navy. I have seen it again and again, and I still cannot understand it. How do the two sorts live together? I wish he may not be a nuisance to Mrs Harte – she is sometimes very free and unguarded, quite unsuspecting – can be imposed upon.’

‘The man whose name I forget, the money-man, was an eminently curious study,’ said Stephen.

‘Oh, him,’ said Jack, with an utter want of interest. ‘What do you expect, when a fellow sits thinking about money all day long? And they can never hold their wine, those sorts of people. Harte must be very much in his debt to have him in the house.’

‘Oh, he was a dull ignorant superficial darting foolish prating creature in himself, to be sure, but I found him truly fascinating. The pure bourgeois in a state of social ferment. There was that typical costive, haemorrhoidal facies, the knock-knees, the drooping shoulders, the flat feet splayed out, the ill breath, the large staring eyes, the meek complacency; and, of course, you noticed that womanly insistence upon authority and beating once he was thoroughly drunk? I would wager that he is very nearly impotent: that would account for the woman’s restless garrulity, her desire for predominance, absurdly combined with those girlish ways, and her thinning hair – she will be bald in a year or so.’

‘It might be just as well if everybody were impotent,’ said Jack sombrely. ‘It would save a world of trouble.’

‘And having seen the parents I am impatient to see this youth, the fruit of their strangely unattractive loins: will he be a wretched mammothrept? A little corporal? Or will the resiliency of childhood…?’

………………………(can’t resist…from the next chapter)

Indeed, but for this tension, this travelling cloud, it would have been difficult to imagine a pleasanter way of spending the late summer than sailing across the whole width of the Mediterranean as fast as the sloop could fly. She flew a good deal faster now that Jack had hit upon her happiest trim, restowing her hold to bring her by the stern and restoring her masts to the rake her Spanish builders had intended. What is more, the brothers Sponge, with a dozen of the Sophie’s swimmers under their instruction, had spent every moment of the long calms in Greek waters (their native element) scraping her bottom; and Stephen could remember an evening when he had sat there in the warm, deepening twilight, watching the sea; it had barely a ruffle on its surface, and yet the Sophie picked up enough moving air with her topgallants to draw a long straight whispering furrow across the water, a line brilliant with unearthly phosphorescence, visible for quarter of a mile behind her. Days and nights of unbelievable purity. Nights when the steady Ionian breeze rounded the square mainsail – not a brace to be touched, watch relieving watch – and he and Jack on deck, sawing away, sawing away, lost in their music, until the falling dew untuned their strings. And days when the perfection of dawn was so great, the emptiness so entire, that men were almost afraid to speak.

– Published 1970 by Williams Collins Sons & Co., Ltd

Mammothrept means grandma’s boy,

LWIII