Hank Pickens
Howdy folks! Pickens here, Hank Pickens. Ya’ll don’t know me, but I’m come to hold down the fort while my trail pardner Lone Coyote is under the weather. Lordy I’ve never known a feller complain so over a little cold, but he is one o’ them artistic types, so come complainin’ time, he’s pretty well practiced up and flowery.
Now me? I’m a cowpoke. Been one since I could throw a rope, ‘bout age three. Busted my first bronc when I was five, since I had to go bail Grandma outa jail, and she’d already done sold all our good stock for whiskey and young bucks.
Been on the lonesome trail ever since, on and off. Something of a black sheep in my family, since I ain’t spent much time in the hoosegow. But life’s been pretty darn good to us ever since that speculator found oil on Pa’s land. If you knew Pa, you would realize he’s the last man on God’s good earth that should ever have any money, since he could be broke as a stick and talk a duck into the oven. Him wallerin’ in money like he is now? Well, hardly nothin’s safe.
Have to say he’s been good to me with that cash o’ his, I reckon likely since my brothers are down in county, and they don’t let you spend that much on folks in jail. He married all twelve of my sisters off to rich fellers, so that’s something. From what I hear, they’re fond o’ their maids.
Before he got rich, he spent most of his time drunk as Moses, down at the Bayou to watch the talkies, so he’s got a pretty stretched-out view of what rich folk do. He paid some of them fellers down in Washington to hire me on as a international spy, and bought some rockets so I could be an astronaut, too. Now I don’t mind so much going around shooting down bad guys, and all them fancy suits and high-flyin’ cars, but the women in that international spy game? Don’t trust ‘em. Not a lick. Especially if dey dalk dike dis. No matter how beautiful they are. And them foreign gals can get pretty darn beautiful, let me tell you.
I ain’t ‘specially fond o’ outer space, neither. I suppose it ain’t so bad since you can look down and see the earth and all, but it’s darned lonesome up there. If you’re a fella who likes his trees and streams and things up close, I wouldn’t recommend it. And I can tell you there ain’t no smells out in space but your own stink.
Ya’ll take good care now, ye hear?
Hank
Well Hank, if that is your real name Mr. Jimmy Carter, you sound like your a Space Cowboy, all Clint Eastwood and Tommy Lee Jones-ish.
I think I’m going to have to wander this here Internet somethin’ fierce and see what you’re all about. I don’t trust ‘guest bloggers’ makes me think something is up. It’s like having a ‘guest president’ you know somethings wrong but nobody is saying nothing, especially the CIA.
Despite my unsurity of your credentials I have to agree that female spies are pretty easy on the eyes. Lord knows the number of female spies I’ve fallen for….and then had to kill because they were female spies. Those types of relationships always end the same way.
Distrustfully,
ClX
Hate to pop your bubble, Mr. CIX, and don’t mean nothing by it but Mr. Wolf and me, well, we’re both imaginary characters and as far as reality goes, we ain’t got none. This is the internet you know, which ain’t got all that much going for it anyways, truthwise. If’n you’re looking for somethin’ real, you stepped in the wrong saloon.
My name is Hank, o’ course, since I got no need to lie ’bout that, since I used up all my lyin in my becoming. Not sure I would consider myself a guest, though. More like a puma in a draw with big rain comin’. Time to mosey on uphill a bit.
Do prefer the moniker of cowboy astronaut, since this whole space thing is kind of a sideline with me. Surely did enjoy some of our battles with the aliens, though. Them aliens is nothing but cows with tentacles, way I see it. And Hank Pickens is some kind of natural with a laser lariat, I don’t mind saying.
Yep, I saved the world too. But I don’t mind so much. Do it again if I had to. And thanks for bumping off them bad female spies. Saved me the trouble.
Always your non-existent being,
Hank